Horse racing jokes designed to tickle your funny bone!

Horse racing jokes designed to tickle your funny bone!  Horse racing can be a serious affair for jockeys, trainers, owners and indeed I expect the horse. And that’s before to get to the punters and those cheering them on. So let’s have a light hearted moment and inject some humour into the sport of kings. Whether good jokes, or bad, it can bring a smile, and so let’s start with a few one liners:

Why don’t horses ever use smartphones?

Because they can’t stand the “neigh”-sayers online

What did the jockey say to the horse before the race?

“Don’t worry, I’ve got your back!”

What do you call a horse who lives next door?


Why did the horse sit on the fence?

Because he wanted to be a “stable” influence!

What do you call a horse who likes to be center stage?

The mane attraction!


Not impressed? Well here’s another selection of horse jokes – and more here. Remember to hold your sides before you read them:


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender starts with the expected “Why the long f…” but the horse suddenly cuts him off and looks him in the eye.

“I’ve heard that one a thousand times. ‘Why the long face!’ In fact, I hear that everywhere I go.”

“I do apologise” says the bartender. “Let’s start again, how’s life?”

The horse replies, “Stable.”


Why did the horse die?

Medical Neigh-ligence


Why did the scarecrow become a successful jockey?

Because he was outstanding in his field!


Why was the psychic horse disqualified from the Grand National?

It kept trying to cross the finish line before the race started!


What did the horse say when it fell?

“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


How do you make a small fortune in horse racing?

Start with a large one!


What did the gay horse say to the other gay horse?


What’s a horse’s favorite sport?

Stable tennis!

What did the pony say when he had to call in sick?

“Sorry, I’m a little hoarse.”

What’s a ghost’s favorite horse race? The Cheltenham Ghoul-cup!

What did the horse say when it saw its photo?

I look absolutely fabulous! That’s one fine filly/frame.”


A horse goes to sit in a movie theatre and the lady in the seat beside him says “Excuse me… are you a horse?” “Why yes, I am,” says the horse. “Then what are you doing at this movie?” The horse: “I really liked the book.”

Why did the horse break up with his girlfriend?

She was always “horsing” around!

How about this one for the worse horse racing joke ever told:


What kind of bread does a horse eat?




And can you figure out this mind mind bender:

Q: How did the cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay for three days, and ride out on Friday?



A: His horse’s name was Friday



I hope some of these puns / jokes made you laugh. Feel free to email us with some of your own horse or horse racing relates jokes if you have any. Anything that tickles the funny bone will get added!


Is It Worth Starting a YouTube Horse Racing Tipster Channel?

Is It Worth Starting a YouTube Horse Racing Tipster Channel?  Back in the day, I remember saying I would never watch YouTube.

Wait for it…

I’m now an avid watcher of YouTube. In fact, I probably watch it more than regular TV. I used to subscribe to lots of channels but I’ve dwindled them down to 10. Most are about travel, gamblers, food and scammers.

I was on the edge of saying someone’s name…

Pretty sure the scammy accounts for most of the YouTube channels are influencers or making money online.

But is it worth starting a YouTube channel about gambling and how can it be done in an ethical and profitable manner?

The short answer is yes and it can be.

Like blogging, the only way you will stand out from the crowd is making sure your niche is your passion and you are authentic in every way. If you have a love of betting on horse racing, talking about your selections or how bookmakers are screwing over punters by limiting their accounts then you may gain subscribers.

They say the first 1000 subscribers are the hardest to gain. From there, you can build your audience and see where it leads.

However, it is worth noting that your niche may have a limited audience. For instance, if you follow UK horse racing and talk about gambling, trading and all the latest news you will probably be doing well to achieve 200,000 subscribers. I know what you’re thinking, even Mr Beast had to start somewhere.

In truth, you will probably get 1% of 200,000.

While someone reviewing food, giving their McDonald’s Big Mac a score of 6/10 may have 1M subscribers within a year. I guess it’s horses for courses.

Some gurus say (I know we shouldn’t listen to them as most are fake) your best approach to a successful YouTube channel is simply not trying too hard. I’m sure some of those very successful YouTubers say these things to wind people up. There are always new fads and fashions about how to make a video and what to say. Most of the successful ones on the gambling front or the infamous/scammy making money online tell people how easy it is to make £40,000 a month doing little work. They are usually selling a course or giving coaching. Those who make the most money are selling an in-person Mastermind (basically coaching to a similar bunch of slimy course sellers).

I think starting a YouTube channel is a long-term strategy to making a second income, which may evolve into a primary income. However, please don’t take my words as fact. It’s usually the case via the algorithm that the only channels we see are the popular ones. The other millions don’t see the light of day.

If chatting about horse racing, I’m not so sure giving tips is the best approach. You may well be a victim of your own success (if you give winners) or the haters may turn on you and make your life a misery. That’s the trouble with anything related to gambling especially if you are a good, honest person. Most of these gamblers with a following have, amazingly, never backed a loser, always have a wad of cash in their hand (as if it has been glued in place), and often featured wearing a heavy gold chain or gold teeth (what is it about people with all-gold teeth). They sell racing picks (as they call them in the US) for 1K a time because they are advising you to bet at least 100K. Yes, I say that with a smile on my face but it is actually how most of these influencers work. As John Crestani (affiliate marketeer) says: ‘We’re talking BIG MONEY’ and the camera zooms to a table with a mountain of cash just sitting on it. I can assure readers there is nothing contrived about the video and its just the way he lives with cash on every surface. It’s just the way he rolls. I’m not interested in the course but I do enjoy his videos.


It has nothing to do with small money.

If you are an honest soul and love your horse racing I would simply talk about horse racing and turn the videos into stories which relate to life as much as betting itself. Everyone loves a good anecdote about some old sap who learned a valuable lesson.

There is a channel on YouTube called Dry Creek Wrangler School which talk about horses, wrangling and all manner of related stuff. Dwayne, a man with a big bushy beard and a fondness for cigars, tells stories which go beyond the horse and he has a massive following of 1M subscribers. He talks a lot of sense about life, especially to young men who seem to have lost direction or have no father figure. If his channel was just about horses alone he wouldn’t have so many subscribers. He’s made a good business out of telling his life tales.

I’ve rarely seen an honest YouTuber with millions of subscribers who doesn’t put their success down to blind luck. Sure some worked a little harder than others but the concept worked because they got lucky. However, you may be able to glean some insight from these successes. That doesn’t mean copy them word for word. No two species in the environment are exactly the same for a reason. One is better adapted to surviving than the other.

The best approach for being a YouTuber is being yourself. Give value and be predictable in your posting, whether that is once or twice a week. I’ve seen some very successful channels which only make a video once a month and have millions of subscribers.

You may be asking: ‘Do I have a channel?’

I was one of those people who didn’t really bother to upload anything much with no plan in mind. I think I have 32 subscribers.

I’ve got some way to go to get to the million.

It’s all about intention, hey.

Professional Gambling: How to maintain routine and focus?

Professional Gambling: How to maintain routine and focus?  I guess everyone has their own way of working.

I often say to my brother, when it comes to gambling you have to make it what you want it to be. If not, you have to wonder who is in control. Perhaps you are unwittingly being manipulated without realising. We are given the premise that we have freewill over determinism. However, I’m sure there are plenty of psychology perspectives which would tell a different story.

Whatever the underpinning of our reality, it pays to have a working routine especially when concentrating on horse racing and specifically when a bet is about to be placed. The reasons are apparent. Any distraction can lead to mistakes. They can happen in an ideal situations so a noisy environment is hardly conducive to optimum performance. And when you are gambling for a living you need everything to be right.

I’m not sure if gamblers are superstitious, but I feel there is a gambling monster watching from the clouds. Man, woman or beast, this devil is a perfectionist and loves to see people in the image of itself. If you don’t work with professionalism then you can guarantee it will make an example of you. Basically, something horrible will happen to show you why the very thing you haven’t done is vitally important.

For this reason, I have a routine 30-minutes before the start of any race I have bet. I go to my room, put my headphones on and concentrate on the upcoming race. I have a routine. I have solitude. Hopefully, I won’t be disturbed by anything. It’s imperative I focus.

I enjoy the predictability of this routine.

It is a strength and reinforces good habits. The opposite is creating bad habits. If you have half a brain you definitely don’t want to be nurturing those because they are costly and frustrating when gambling.

It’s a strange happening, but the amount of times horses are entering the stalls when someone knocks on the door or the dog starts barking is uncanny. I’m pretty sure the man upstairs (the devil) is testing my character. He’s saying: ‘I’m going to get you out of that room and when you do I’m going to f*** you up.’

I said he was a very disagreeable character.

And that’s why I, you, the old gambling dear round the corner, needs to stick to the routine of solitude and focus even if the world is falling down around your ears. Let the ceiling crash down. Let the bloke from Amazon perish on your doorstep. Ignore your pet dog even if it is running around the house in a ball of flames.

Don’t glimpse through those blinds because I can guarantee Medusa will be staring back at you. Your horse will finish stone last.

Because here’s the thing. You think all those things seem bad if not a touch disturbing. Being a decent human being you want to do your best. It’s only natural you want to throw a bucket of water over little Fido to dampen the flames. However, take it from me, if you leave that laptop for one minute you will come back to find something terrible has happened.

The devil is waiting to test your resolve.

‘You thought it was OK to leave the room?’


You don’t want to know what’s going to happen but I can tell you this much, you won’t be winning any money that day.

In fact, you will be lucky not to lose your shirt.

Don’t believe me. Then give the man in the clouds a reason to look down and say: ‘You, boy, are a glutton for punishment.’

For your sake follow the maxim: Routine, solitude and focus.

RIP, Fido.


Horse Racing Pundits: Why Press The Mute Button?

Horse Racing Pundits: Why Press The Mute Button?  Horse racing is all about opinions. Whether it is a good or bad idea to listen to those opinions is a matter for debate. I don’t know about you, but when I’m watching Racing TV or AtTheRaces and I see some racing pundit limbering up to give their views on the next two-year-old horse race I press that mute button. I know it seems a bit mean spirited but you’ve got to protect your sanity by limiting noise pollution. Yes, that sounds even harsher. What will I say next? It’s not all bad news, for some. However, the vast majority of pundits are given the cold shoulder.

I’ll mute the hell out of them.

I don’t know whether you do the same or love to listen to the dulcet tones of all and sundry.

It’s a matter of choice.

I remember Lydia Hislop, one of the few racing pundits I do listen to as she know something about horse racing and intelligent enough to string educated sentences together without blasting my brain with umpteen cliches said: ‘A lot of my racing friends are quick to press the mute button.’ She’s been crowned broadcaster of the year three times for a reason. I think it’s down to her lack of cliches which become the main default mode for most pundits.

It’s interesting that I mute the pundit and not the race commentary although there are a couple of those who are getting my finger closer to the mute button. I’m looking to have a bespoke TV remote control made which features an oversized mute button. A golden button which I can press in some masochistic form of celebration that some beast with an opinion and voice has been rendered speechless. If only we had a control to do that for people in real life. Or just switch someone off completely because they are a waste of space, anti-social, litter droppers, fly tippers, dictators. I’d switch the whole world off and start again.

Anyway, back to racing pundits which by the grace of modern technology are victims of the mute button.

Praise the Lord. It’s my new form of religion. God bless.

The main reason for de-voicing the voices of racing (not Sir Peter O’Sullivan I loved him) is that they aren’t the font of all knowledge. In truth, it is impossible for someone to know everything. My niche is two-year-old horse racing and even though I may sound modest to the point of being megalomanic but I know more about my passion than 99.9 percent of the horse racing world. Unlike the pundits I could actually say something that a listener has never heard before and it would be insightful and make someone say: ‘That’s a good point.’

The main staple for racing pundits is the cliché. The definition for the word cliché is as follows: ‘A phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.’

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

In fact, if there was one word to encapsulate that definition it is the word mute.

I’ve never been interested in National Hunt racing so racing pundits opinions don’t matter to me and my lack of knowledge may even give life to their cliches. However, I can remember John Francome about a million years ago constantly saying ‘That horse looks a bit woolly’ like his old gran was addicted to knitting. I’d sit there waiting for a Flat race to come along and think if he says ‘woolly’ once more I’m going to complain to some broadcasting panel and put in a claim for compensation.

I’d think either go back to riding horses or pollute someone else’s wool.

Another offender who didn’t last long was Declan Murphy. I know he had to retire from race riding through injury but if he said ‘That horse is the apple of his trainer’s eye’ once he said it a million times.

I could only imagine if Francome and Murphy were on air together. It would only be a matter of time before they were both singing from the same hymn sheet saying: ‘Woolly Apple.’

My ambition, at the time, was to own a horse named Woolly Apple and for it to win at Fakenham racecourse and along comes John Francome to interview me live on TV and asking: ‘That’s an unusual name, I bet there’s a story behind it?’

Don’t get me started, John…

It would be the only time I wouldn’t press mute.

Modern day racing pundits are just as bad, if not worse. I can cope with three or four: Lydia Hislop, Steve Mellish, Eddie Fremantle… I’m still thinking. John McCririck was a breath of fresh air. It was a sad day when Channel 4 Racing had a change of guard pumping out more noise pollution.

I hate to say it but the sound of Ruby Walsh’s voice goes straight through my brain to some pain point which must be the equivalent to electro convulsive therapy. Perhaps if I am suffering from clinical depression it may help or send me over a cliff. I have a particular problem with former jockeys giving their opinions. They can, and perhaps some people who have had one Guinness too many enjoy their uttering, but, for me, it’s a matter of how quick can I press the mute button. I pride myself on pressing the mute just before they spit out a word. Job done. Success. It’s almost equal to a winner.

I’m all about the reduction of noise pollution.

Can you remember the old days in London when smog filled the air? If you get four or five know it alls spouting on about the Cheltenham Festival you are likely to suffer from acrid pollution.

Press the mute.

I know my words are in a way a form of visual pollution to some. If you love your racing pundits then good for you. I’m sure there are some of you have who have read George Orwell’s 1984.

I won’t detail the worst offenders who are at the top of my hit list. However, a few of these very high-pitched voiced women racing pundits on Racing TV (not my lovely Lydia) really do heighten my phobia to a point of seeking some kind of intervention. I’m not being nasty, but someone should banished them from TV.

Suck the pollution out of the air.

Zap them with the mute.

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